Excerpt from the SSS: Van Killa Ice Ice Gobbos @ Sartosa Grog-Swillers

9th Match:

Battle Of The Goblins as the Grog-Swillers Face The Van Killa Ice Ice Gobbos At Land-Lubbers Stadium

Written by Armando Blackquill/Jack Penleg

Avast mateys! It is very much clear to me that Coach Coachem is not the Ogre that we need to lead the Grog-Swillers, considering that we are now pretty much out of contention for any possible playoffs picture and likely only able to compete for the Piewhistle Cup instead. As such, dear readers, you will be able to find a coupon that you can tear out, fill in and send as a complaint to the Grog-Swillers, requesting the dismissal of Coach Coachem. I have been notified that the official response by the Coach to any petition of his dismissal will be "ME EAT ALL COMPLAINERS" but I think that if enough people complain, it will not be possible for the Coach to eat us all! His stomach is only big enough for a couple! Together we are strong and-

They are tak-sajdghsdklfasfrieigjlsasd.

Dear readers, please excuse us as our regular Sport journalist, Armando Blackquill, is unfortunately indisposed, and now I, Jack Penleg, will be writing the next few reviews for the Grog-Swillers. The Grog-Swillers are a fine organisation and do NOT eat their fans, and any such rumour is contrary to the established policies and credo of the Grog-Swillers organisation.

Going back to our regular analysis, the Grog-Swillers have not changed much in terms of training, and although Puggy is going to greener pastures, the Ogres are ready and willing to come to grips with the Goblins of Van Killa Ice Ice Gobbos (Ice Ice Gobbos for short). This is shaping up to be an interesting match for two teams which are part of the underdog regiment of the Exiles Division.

Van Killa Ice Ice Gobbos: Analysis

The Ice Ice Gobbos hail from a frigid waste to the north, where apparently they are fans of a northern delight called Iced Cream (or something along those lines), which seems to be mostly cream made cold and mixed with a variety of different flavours, all of which are referenced by the nomme de guerre of the various goblins and trolls that make up the team. The journey of the Ice Ice Gobbos has mirrored the one of the Grog-Swillers, with the Gobbos having 1 win, 1 draw and 5 losses to their name. Their team has one of the more expensive stunties in the whole league in the form of Coco Da Nut, who comes into the field with his distinctive pogo-stick, and is certain to make use of it in the upcoming game. One of the trolls of the team, Man-Go Sore Pain, also had some extra training to make him better at taking blocks, as well as the cheerleader-slash-player (and known sneaky git) New York Super Fudge Chunk.

The team overall are known for their cheating ways (as befits most Goblin teams, to be fair), with plenty of illegal weapons present, including a ball and chain, a chainsaw and a lunatic chucking bombs here and there. The Grog-Swillers will have to dance carefully around these weapons if they hope to finish the game without any lasting injuries.

Match Analysis

The weather at Landlubbers Stadium was perfect throughout, with the only bad news being reports that the Ice Ice Gobbos had managed to gather several generous payments to the referee in an attempt to keep their cheating players on the field.

First Half

The Grog-Swillers elected to receive the ball after winning the coin toss, and as such the Ice Ice Gobbos set up first, electing to put most of their players on the field apart from the lunatic using the ball and chain. The kick-off was high and easily caught by one of the Gnoblars, who moved to set himself up in the middle of the screen, protected by the front line of Ogres as well as a screen of Gnoblars. This strong front line, however, did not last long as a bomb aimed directly at the Ogres by one of the goblins, that had sneaked bombs into the pitch, blew a line in the cover. The situation was worsened by the chainsaw-wielder badly injuring one of the Ogres, who fortunately was patched up by medics, and then a blitz taking down the ball carrier. Coco Da Nut was able to sneak through and jump over the prone players, only to stumble right as he was about to pick up the ball, making him fall flat on his face, although with no lasting damage. Unfortunately for the Gobbos, it wasn't all roses, and both of their Trolls had been knocked out by the swinging fists of Ogres. The ball was picked up once again, and placed safely in a cage. 

Trolls knocked out and ball secure again!

After his prat-fall, Coco picked himself up, attempted to dodge away from one of the encroaching Gnoblars, only to fall again thanks to the tiny grasping arms of the minute greenskin, falling into the grass once again and this time, unfortunately for him, fatally. Alas, Coco was gone, and things were looking up for the Grog-Swillers. 

It was, however, proving hard for the Ogre team to protect their ball carrier: the goblins shared a sneaky nature with the Gnoblars, and were repeatedly able to penetrate the Ogre cages and blitz the ball carrier, even though many of the Goblins paid the price for this, with both Piss Tacke-Eo and Is It Fudge? sustaining injuries and having to be carried off the field. With time running out for the Grog-Swillers, an errant ball was caught by Gougem, who finally marched down the field, the Goblins not able to muscle him down and their bomma constantly pressured by the Ogres, and the Grog-Swillers scored a touchdown in the nick of time.

With no trolls available to them and little time left, the Ice Ice Gobbos mutilated the gnoblars on the front line before the end of the half was quickly called, although not before Comere paid the ultimate price and was quickly killed thanks to the wicked chainsaw of the Gobbos. As well as that, the referee mentioned that he was amenable to further bribes from both sides, which would likely help the Gobbos more in this instance.

Second Half

The Gobbos with little left to face the Ogres!

The start of the second half only saw Chocolate Bombe, the bomma, being permanently sent off, and the Ice Ice Gobbos were fortunate enough that both of their Trolls managed to wake up from their daze. The ball and chain finally featured in the field, but although it chewed up the front line of Gnoblars, it found itself isolated in the middle of the field, and a quick blitz by Gougem sent the lunatic to the injury bin. With the Ogres tied up with the Trolls, the Gobbos were able to infiltrate and drive up the side, and even a hero blitz by the Gnoblar Indastands which dislodged the ball and forced Bitter Orange to be carted off the field in a stretcher wasn't enough, and Fudge Chunk was able to pick up the ball and carry it to a touchdown. 

Unfortunately, the early score left plenty of time for the Grog-Swillers to do a return drive, and the Ice Ice Gobbos had such reduced numbers that they would be unable to stop the coming offensive. With the Gnoblars driving up into scoring position, by the end the Gobbos only had the two Trolls and Fudge Chunk left on the field, and the Ogres scored just a minute before the whistle blew to mark the end of the second half. The end of the game was also marked by the death of another Goblin, as Beatem bowled over him, leaving GoreO Da Runt dead on the field.

Post-Match Analysis

A stunning victory for Coach Coachem, and truly an endorsement of his coaching style. It is clear that he just needed some warming up and now the Grog-Swillers will be firing on all cylinders as they look forward to their final match against the Skolcrushers.